I don't know when or why I converted to becoming the crazy species known as the goalkeeper, but I am so glad I did. Being a goalkeeper requires a ridiculous amount of tenacity, and I don't know where in the world I found it in me to fulfill its duties. It's quite ironic when I look at myself from on the field and off the field perspectives. In the game, I am loud...arguably the loudest one on the field. I am always talking, barking commands and directing players to mark and cover and everything in between that. I feel like a super human sometimes. Whenever I get on the pitch, I get these super fast reflexes. Most saves are solely based on reaction. I don't think because I don't have time to. That's arguably my favorite part about it. My mind empties for at least two hours or so whenever it's game day. I am bold, diving at people's feet and blocking whatever I can because that is my one true duty. I cannot let my team down. No matter how bad the circumstances are, giving up is never an option for me. If I stop trying, the eleven of us will go down in flames. I am constantly talking to myself, positively motivating so I don't get distracted. If you hesitate for one second in soccer, you're done.
Whenever we have possession and are on the attacking third of the field, I always find myself hanging around about the 30 yard line and quietly singing (Aside from soccer, music keeps me sane.) It's kind of ridiculous and honestly embarrassing to say, but it is actually therapeutic.
Off the field, however, I spend way too much time inside of my own head. I ponder, over analyze, shut people out, replay negativity, suppress negativity, beat myself up, become hostile and defensive, withdraw, disconnect, and lose all of my confidence. More often than not, I am battling with myself. There seems to always be an internal war going on, and sometimes I don't even know about what. What I do know, however, is that there are times where everything goes dark inside of my mind, and I forget what even the most important things/people mean to me. I contemplate suicide every now and then, questioning the purpose of life, why I am here, and if I'm even supposed to be here.
I thank God for guiding me to soccer, for it has taught me countless life lessons. I realize that I need to channel my mentality towards soccer into my life in general. When it comes to soccer, soccer practice, and soccer games, I am always: the first one out on the turf, the one to get the balls, the first one off the bus, the one who's crazy about the women's national team, the one to finish strong and hard, the one to persevere and not stop regardless of whatever the killer workout is. I take pride in that. A wise man once said, "the soccer field is where I find peace", and wow do I agree with him. I just need to figure out a way to bring that peace with me everywhere. I know I will--just give me a little time.
